In 2016 foodie circles, there may be no greater social misstep than hating smoothies, except maybe, a dislike for kale (forget keeping your friends if you pass up their offer of a kale smoothie). But I’m here to tell you that all those fancy-shmancy smoothies are overrated, putrid, glorified baby food I wouldn’t wish on my worst (baby) enemy.
That’s right. I hate smoothies. But I can’t be the only one. Are you out there, my fellow smoothie shunners?
I hate watching people slurp down their pureed bananas and kale with a dash of powdered green stuff, powdered raw chocolate stuff, and that god-awful clumpy protein-powder-of-any-kind stuff, while trying to have an adult conversation. Let me get you a wet-nap, first.
I hate that smoothies are synonymous with juices—the fresh pressed essence of fruits and veggies. That they’re somehow the same as a juice because they both contain fruits or veggies and come in a cup. In that case, pass the cabernet. Juices and smoothies are clearly separated by a thick, oozy, goopiness that is, by definition, pretty much the complete opposite of a juice. Sip on a juice that’s been sitting out a while at room temperature? Meh. It’s definitely still drinkable. Sip on a warm, sludgy smoothie that’s browning and watery? I’d rather stick my big toe in that high-tech David Wolfe blender thingy.
I hate that smoothies cost so much money when they’re little more than a frozen banana (0.25 cents, conservatively), a few leafy greens (0.12 cents?), a scoop of grainy protein powder (0.50?), and a whole bunch of ice (0.0002 cents unless of course it’s ice from pure Himalayan mountain spring water trekked into a Santa Monica smoothie bar by a Sherpa on a yak-raft). How is that $13 worth of food? All you did was flip the blender to “on.”
Can’t we all just admit that smoothies are way, way less like “healthy ice cream” and more closely just the adulting version of Gerber’s? That the reason most people love them so passionately, whether they’re conscious of it or not, is that smoothies trigger memories of baby food? That’s right. Freud is in this whole gloppy mess somewhere, I’m sure. Waaaah.
Indeed, baby meals were simpler times. Being spoon-fed by a hand-shaped choo-choo train has its benefits, after all. But we’re grown-ass people with jobs. And forks. There are distinct pleasures in, well, the distinct flavors and textures of foods. The crunch of a raw celery rib or the just-ripeness of a soft banana give us way more information, and dare I say pleasure than the two of them comingling in a slushie. The smoothie is a homogenization, a reduction of essence. It’s Soylent even when it’s not. At least Sno-Cones give you the option to rainbow stripe your ice. A smoothie? Green or purple. At best.
And sure, juices are not much different when it comes to the homogenization of foods–and you can poo-poo the alchemy of cooking fruits and veggies into different textures as well. But there’s a difference, a detectable, discernible difference between juicing a few veggies and fruits, or cooking them into a paella recipe, than taking everything and blending it into identical nanoparticles, where every sip is the same as the last. Rendering a meal into 40 or 50 identical sips feels so wan, so uninspired, even with exotic superfoods in the mix. It’s like we’ve just given up on food, reduced it to its simplest, most basic function.
I get it—the blended delivery system works well for athletes. For people with digestive issues, smoothies may help with nutrient absorption. But what about the rest of us? Going from our cozy desk jobs to Pilates class to a weekend of hitting the flea markets, how hard is it to chew for a few minutes?
Can’t we all just eat a goddamn salad or sandwich and call it a day? Go ahead, plop a frozen banana on the top if you must, and suck it all through a big stripy straw. But please don’t offer me a sip. I already ate.
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Smoothie image via Shutterstock
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